You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
