those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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