her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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