i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
