So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
