dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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