I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
