my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
sarcasm needs its own font
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Randomize
