Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
