Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
