I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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