where am i from again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
