Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
