The maid of honor just puked.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
