I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
