you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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