i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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