Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
