The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
