Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
