i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
