Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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