i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
