I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
