the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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