I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
