you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
