Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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