i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
