Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
