Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
