you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
