AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
