seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
