worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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