i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize