U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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