Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
