i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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