Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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