i already hear my dad disowning me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
