forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
