I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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