If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
