How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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