Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
