I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
