can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
