The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
