Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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