I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
