Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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